“when wishes fall into place”
So here we are. MY BIGGEST ANNOUNCEMENT YET! I am PREGNANT! After three years of trying and trying, of NOTHING happening, after one miscarriage, countless tears and heartache, of shying away from anyone who had a growing belly, after being told to stop trying so I can focus on treating my depression it finally came to be.
At first I was in shock. (and may still be) Then I just knew it wouldn’t last. But this little squishy spark of life kept on. I was horribly sick but happy that being sick meant I was doing something I thought I would never do which was creating a little life inside of me.
Infertility is something I wish upon NO ONE. It isn’t just the heartache of not being able to make your own little baby that is half you and half your soul mate. It is a terrible loneliness. One in eight women, I’m told suffer from it but you do not hear about it. I can understand why people keep it quiet, but I am not a quiet person. When I go through something I tell everyone, because I want to hear the stories of the ones who have been through it. I do not want to be alone in what I am going through. Then there is the terrible, horrible jealousy that rips you apart and makes you turn and shy away from anyone pregnant, with babies, even from the baby dept. in the store. You have to turn away or you are overcome with so much turmoil and crying fits it is like a storm inside of you that never stops. I work in a bookstore and one time had to take five because putting a book away in the pregnancy section made me lose it. Then you feel such horrible guilt from turning away from people in their happiest of times. I admit I was not the best of friends to my girlfriends while they were pregnant. I wanted to be there for them, I wanted to laugh and encourage them through all their pregnancy ups and downs. But I just could not do it. I still hate myself for it. I told them to not make a big deal about me and to kinda ignore me through this because of how horrible a friend I was ignoring them in their time of need and joy. There is soo many more things you go through I cannot begin to express them.
I turned to my photography. In creating my infertility series, I found a small comfort away from the pain. I shared these images and received heartfelt comments from others who are going through or have gone through this painful struggle. I felt less alone and hoped my images helped someone find a small relief, hug, comfort in viewing them.
I totally understand if you are going through this and wish to never see my work again now. With my excitement in announcing this momentous part of my life there is a bittersweet sorrow because I know others are still struggling and going through this. To those I can only offer a hug and prayers. Because I know there is nothing that can be said.
I will more then likely still work on pictures dealing with infertility, because there is still more that I have to express about this struggle. Today though I get to post an image that shows the tides turning. The wish falling into place. It’s still just out of my reach but it’s there and the winds are blowing it towards me. Who can say how this happened? Why I am so special to be granted my long yearned for wish. I decided this year to make the changes to make myself healthy, happy and to fulfill my life. I am going to take this turn of events as humbly and graciously as I can. I am going to teach my little one that sometimes wishes do not always come true but sometimes they do, but it is how we live our lives with and without them that is what makes the difference.
So that is that for now. I think I’m going to go rub my belly some more. And here is a share of my personal image I did to announce to friends and family. . . because me and my husband are truly dorks. ;o)