best laid plans crash into flames

i warn you now, i hate capital letters, i am not a good writer and i ramble. this is going to be raw and emotional as i am right now in this moment. i am not holding back.

so. today. yeah. you know i decided to put the whole worrying about getting pregnant on hold till we get to san diego sometime later this year. why? because this horrible little area i am in has barely any resources, an ob-gyn that could care less among other things. at least in san deigo there is an amazing clinic that specializes in this. so i sucked it up and it kinda felt better ignoring it for now. and you know, i am trying to deal with so many other issues battling in my head that maybe this is for the best. my depression and anxiety is getting more severe to the point it is actually getting my attention, that yes, i need help.

i always expected i would be a mom. i would get married and have a family. when i held my first niece for the very first time i never wanted anything so much in my entire life but to hold a little baby of my own. one who would grow up and call me mommy, hold my hand, and reach for me when they were scared. one i could see my eyes in, my husband’s nose, maybe his height, my laugh, his calmness….Over a year and a half of trying and my periods keep coming. i guess in a way i am fortunate to not have miscarried. and i am. that would have broken me for sure. but i wonder if the fact i haven’t even had a change, if that means there is no way we are having a child of our own making. and don’t say it. for the love of god do not tell me to relax, or it takes time. one more person tells me that and i am swinging fists. i don’t care who i hit at this point. don’t tell me god has a plan. . . because right now i feel like the message is god thinks i shouldn’t be a mother which is bullsh*t when i see some of the people out there with kids. oh there’s adoption you’ll say next. . . yeah you know what i am going to be brutally honest right now. what happens when that child decides to find their family later on in life? what if i cannot connect? you know just be quiet. i don’t want to hear a word out of your mouth. unless you been through this. maybe even then i don’t want to hear anything. maybe i want to close my ears and scream and punch and kick and throw a tantrum on my own and by myself.

and as everyone is growing older i get to see everyone else go through the joy of announcing their pregnancies. of posting their growing belly bumps. i want to be happy for you i do. but i am sorry call me the most selfish person in the world but these posts eat me alive. i am crying and i am raging and i am silently telling god over and over how unfair he is to me at this moment. and you know that adorable life altering moment that you captured in a photograph of the doctor handing you this itty bitty life form you created? that look on your face that shows how all the pain in the world was worth it for this chance for this new life you are about to embark on. oh yes. i see it, i studied it. i obsessed over it as i fill the oceans with my tears because i am left thinking this moment will never come to me. time is running out for me. the clock is ticking loudly for me. not only a biological clock, my husband is in the navy. yes soon he will be sent out for a 9 month deployment. here and there and everywhere which will make it oh so much harder to try.

yes i am angry right now. i am being stubborn and raging at the world for dealing me this hand. maybe this anger is a stage of the infertility. hopefully i can get past this soon. maybe one day i can see a pregnancy announcement and be truly happy for that family. for now, i guess i will take my emotions and wet my pillows, break something, and create my artwork. and maybe just maybe someone will find this and it will give them a hand to hold and say to them you are NOT alone. go ahead and rage rage rage, plans and expectations will come crashing down but you will remain. in some way or form you will still be there.

**note this post was originally posted Feb. 4, 2014