depression, smile, maniac“smile, the worst is yet to come”

where to begin? new years has always brought people excitement but for me it has always brought feelings of dread. fear of growing older and things changing. of everyone being closer to death. things falling apart and other things going away. this new years i find myself at a crossroads i brought myself to. in the past few weeks i have drop out of social media, pulled away from family and friends and struggled to find any motivation to pick up my camera, eat or do anything worthwhile. for the first time ever my christmas decorations stayed packed away. i was retreating into myself and found it hard to even pretend that i was ok. many of you may know i suffer depression and anxiety. and in the past few years it has started to become more severe and harder for me to break out of it. i finally got to a point i knew i needed help so i went to the doctors and started medication. i am so exhausted of fighting to be happy. to stay happy. to feel normal. i am tired of sinking into constant paranoid thoughts of never ending worry and doubt. my brother said there is nothing wrong with being on medicine for this, that people who have heart conditions take medicine to make it right, and this is a brain condition that needs to be made right. i know it isn’t a cure-all, but it is a start in the right direction. along with counseling, making changes in my way of doing things and staying in the fight to beat this. this past year i have had some incredible things come my way. a dream came true when i traveled and met my mentor and most influential role model, brooke shaden, not once but TWICE. i am married to an incredible man and have a family who i know cares for me. i have had your support for my artwork. i have had my artwork be a creative outlet for my emotions. i moved cross country to california where there is a strong art community. yet despite all this, the depression brings thoughts so strong i struggle to hang on to happiness. so from here i have to make a conscious decision to work towards getting better. it is going to be a long hard road. it will more then likely get worst before it gets better. but i have to keep going. even through the depression and anxiety has taken over my life there is a little spark of hope left that whispers there is a better outcome ahead, that there has to be. i have to work toward it. i have to set my goals to align with my happiness and my dreams. i will work towards becoming myself again. someone who can be happy consistently. i wish i could write motivational and inspirational posts. but that at the moment isn’t me. this is where i am right now. in a deep dark maze of a place trying to find my way out. so i will write about my journey through it. maybe someone out there feels the same way and i can bring them a little comfort in the thought they aren’t alone in these thoughts. much like nine inch nails lyrics comfort me into feeling less alone. i will not be upset if you unfollow me and go your way, i understand. but i need to do this for myself first and foremost. and my art has always been an extension of my thoughts and emotions. so on day one of this new year i begin my travel to a better place of being. i am starting off scared, battered and crawling but i am moving forward.

-robin 1/1/2015